Breathing Deeply (Walking Backwards)
by underthegreensward
Summary: Based on the spoiler quote "You deserve the best of everything."


It's been weeks since she's last been in the locker room. Actually, now that she thinks about it, the last time she was in there was after the fight she had with her parents. Before the fight with Paige, before New York, before everything really.

She's not sure what to expect when she slowly opens the door. She's not sure what to say either. She's not even sure why she's here. It feels like that's her life now, laden with uncertainty, doubts, twists and turns. It feels like her heart forgot how to beat right, without hurting.

Opening the door, she quietly steps inside. The smell of chlorine and damp towels reaches her nose and she swallows against the familiarity of it. No matter how hard she tries to deny it, to pretend she doesn't miss it, it doesn't work.

It feels weird not to have her bag over her shoulder. It feels weird not to set it onto the bench right in front of her and slipping out of her shoes and shirt. It feels weird not to know what to say to the girl on that bench.

Taking a deep breath, she watches water droplets traveling from Paige's hair, down her back and disappearing in the white towel wrapped around her hips. For a second, it reminds her of all the times her fingertips made the same trip. For a second, she forgets about what happened between them. When she remembers, her heart sinks and she shakes herself out of her thoughts forcefully.

She makes another step forward and clears her throat. "Hey." It's barely a whisper but Paige turns her head immediately, looking at her with a mixture of surprise and shock, the pain in her eyes poorly masked by it.

"What are you doing here?" Paige's voice sounds weak, weary and exhausted. Slowly, she comes closer, her fingers nervously twisting together in front of her. "Can I sit?" She watches Paige's eyes flit to the empty spot besides her before she gives a short nod.

Her legs feel heavy as she moves to sit down, careful to keep a little more distance than she would have before. Paige is looking straight forward, staring the lockers in front of her down. It's silent around them. A different silent than the one they used to lie in and exist together.

It's an almost painful one. It makes her notice how cold it is in here, how uncomfortable the bench and how hurt Paige is.

Finally, she finds her voice. "Sydney told me about your times." Paige doesn't move, doesn't speak, just stares at the lockers. "She said you seemed... not like yourself. That your times are getting worse and worse." Paige still doesn't say anything.

Her hands curl around the cold metal edge of the bench, her eyes settling on Paige. "I don't want you to lose your scholarship." It comes out sounding like a plea. And in a way it is. A plea for Paige not to give up. For Paige to be okay.

"It's your big chance to get out of here." _And a way to know that you're safe_, she thinks. "You can't just throw away your dream like that."

Paige turns to face her, her eyes filled with pain, the mask it hid behind earlier completely gone. "Why would you care if I did?"

_Because I love you_.

She doesn't say it. She can't even get her mouth to open, her lips glued together with the mess they're stuck in. She just looks at Paige, hoping she understands that she_ cares_.

"Why would you care if I'm okay?" Her heart drops. Drops so far she can't breathe, can't think, can't speak. The only thing she can feel is pain. The same pain she sees in Paige's eyes.

She tightens her grip on the bench and swallows, closing her eyes for a second before looking at Paige, their eyes locking.

"You deserve the best of everything."

It's the truth and she feels it in every corner of her body. Paige deserves to be successful. Paige deserves to get out of here. Paige deserves to be safe. To be happy. That she wants to be a part of that, a part of that dream doesn't matter right now.

Paige shakes her head, slowly but determined, a short, bitter laugh falling from her lips. Her gaze drops to the floor, a shaky breath hanging in the space between them.

"I didn't deserve you."

Everything is ripped from her as her heart falls in on itself and stumbles. Her breath, fear, doubts. Everything around them crumbles away, the world with all her problems in it distant and unreal. She forgets about everything that happened between them, just for this moment.

With a single beat, her heart finds its right rhythm again, steady and familiar. She can tell the difference between wrong and right for the first time in a long time.

Something surges through her, a certainty she last felt before the lighthouse. With it, her hand finds Paige's curled around a knee and covers it.

"You did. You still do."


End file.
